Carry that Weight

I apologize for not writing much lately. Sadly I have had a hard time being thankful lately, and that being my own fault. There are always things to be thankful for. But how can I not be thankful today. Today, the day we celebrate, and we do celebrate, the day that Jesus carried the weight of the sins of the world to the cross. It was gruesome and beautiful all at the same time. It was tragic and a mournful loss, but a victorious defeat of sin and death. It was an extension of freedom, mercy, grace, forgiveness to every human being on the planet. It boggles the mind really.

Recently I have been carrying this weight around, a burden if you will, not a literal physical weight. I have seen the actions of one person and the sins of one person hurt those that I love and care for. I have seen those that I love be torn down and repeatedly left emotionally wounded. It doesn't seem right. In fact it's not. And it's been hard to watch and to feel helpless. I thought for a while that I was let in on what was truly happening in this situation in order for the truth to come forward and even thought I had that confirmed by someone else, but in that still small voice that the Lord has, I heard Him say "no".

See if I had it my way, truth would come out and sin would be exposed and repentance would hopefully happen, but what would be the consequences? What would be the ramifications? They would be far reaching and affect many. And in my stubbornness for a while I didn't care- TRUTH should be exposed! But there was that still small voice, "carry the weight of this sin." And it took me a while to get it. And I am not Jesus and I am not the Savior, but I carried the burden of this sin, and it was heavy. People who have seen me lately said I looked burdened, weary, tired, unhappy, and all were true. It was a heavy weight and it showed more than I thought it did. But I carried it- all the way to the cross, where Jesus bore it. This sin, that has hurt people I love. And my prayer is that the kindness of the Lord which leads to repentance would do just that. That His kindness, not my anger, not my grief, not my sense of justice, but His kindness, would lead to repentance, would turn the heart of this person to see their sin.

My personality is one that can get very protective and in my protectiveness I wanted to protect those that I loved and stop the hurt, stop the one that was hurting them and open their eyes to what they were doing. But that wasn't what the Lord wanted from me. He wanted me to emulate His Son. He wanted me to carry the weight of sin. He wanted me to lay down my rights to justice and allow mercy to prevail. He wanted me to carry the weight of sin because love covers a multitude of sins. I have never more understood what Jesus did for me and never been so far removed from Him at the same time.

I woke this morning amazed at how He bore our sins. I could barely hold one sin of one person much less all of the sins of one person much less all of the weight of all of the sins of all people of all time. I can't imagine that weight. I can't fathom it. One sin was almost too heavy for me. I stand in awe that He willingly took on all of my sin as well as all of yours. The weight is overwhelming to think about. It's easy for me to remember the broken and bruised body because we see it in movies like the Passion of the Christ, but the weight of the sin is truly the worst weight of it all. It's the part that we can't see, the part that can't be put into a movie, that "He who knew no sin becomes sin on our behalf, so that we can be made the righteousness of God in Him" (2 Cor 5:21) that broke Him beyond belief, that bruised Him soul and spirit and weighted Him down unto death. And as my friend, Tracy, heard Him say once, it was His most beautiful moment. The moment of He willing laid down His life out of love. He became our sin out of love for you. Out of love for me.

Thank you doesn't even begin to scratch the surface. I fall on my face and worship you Jesus. I love you back, Jesus.

15 Years Today

I will always remember my friend Diane's wedding anniversary because it was a very significant day in my life as well. It was the day that the Lord spoke very clearly to me about the sin in my life and it was the day He began the process of walking me away from a very destructive lifestyle. 15 years ago today. I can't believe it's been that long. There's a been a lot that's' happened in that 15 years that I can't even remember it all.

I do know though, that I am thankful for the change in my life. I can honestly say that I am free. I am changed. I am different than I used to be. I am not who I was, and I am thankful. I am deeply and truly thankful. A couple of years ago I went to a conference and heard a friend of mine share her testimony and there was something so powerful in it and the Lord met me there in such a

way that hit me with great humility. The Lord didn't have to choose me. There are so many people still out there struggling. There are so many people still out there walking in their sin, blinded by the darkness, giving in to their fleshly desires, deceived because they want to have things their own way, instead of the Lord's way. I have friends who are still there. I have friends who think their sin is ok and that there is nothing wrong with it at all. They don't get that the very core of the Christian life is the struggle between flesh and spirit, obedience and disobedience, saying no to our will and yes to the Lord's. Yet for whatever reason, the Lord chose me to pull up out of that darkness and give that understanding and determination to. He didn't have to do it at all. It makes me weep just to think about it- probably not a good thing here in the middle of work. It makes no sense, because I'm nothing special. But for whatever reason, He saw fit- He chose me. He put His finger on me. He pulled me out of that sin and set me free, and I'm so humbled and so thankful. It was a long walk, and not an easy one. It started 15 years ago today. I have no doubt it really started long before that. He pursued me prior to t

hat. I came to know Him prior to that. But I can pinpoint the moment 15 years ago today at that wedding of my friend, Diane, where I had His grace to respond and say Yes Lord I will follow you. I resolve to follow You- even if I stumble along the way, I will get back up and keep walking towards You. I will walk away from this sin because I want You more than I want it. I want to please You more than I want to please my flesh. Your will is more important than mine. Your desires are more important than mine. Yes Lord. I will turn towards You.

So thankful for today. So thankful for Freedom. So thankful for Jesus and the transformation He's done in my life!

Think I'll celebrate tonight if anyone wants to join me :)

If you want to read my whole testimony- check it out on www.iamsavedsite.com

Thanks!

Follow Up on Carol Poston

Just a quick follow up on Carol Poston in case you hadn't seen all my facebook posts: Carol Poston came out of her coma- quite miraculously after 9 days! The doctors had given up and had asked her husband for permission to do a tracheotemy (I think I spelled that wrong), and told him to plan for a long coma. Craig refused. The next day she woke up and couldn't speak, but was responding to questions by squeezing hands. The following day, she woke up and could speak normally and had full brain function. Today- a week and a half after she's woken up, shes in physical therapy working on restoring her muscles which had completely atrophied and working to raise her left eyelid which won't completely raise on it's own. She also is working to regain complete control over the left side of her mouth. These are the main issues left from her coma, but the fact that she's alive when the doctor's had believed she may never come out of it is a miracle of the Lord. He was just waiting for them to say, no it can't happen, and He said "oh yeah! Watch Me!" He wanted them to know it was Him! He's so good. To read the entire blog (which is an amazing journey, but will take some time, here is the link- http://carolposton.blogspot.com/

Do You Trust Me?

Today has been a very difficult day, to say the least. This morning I got a text from my best friend telling me that a dear woman that we know and love was rushed to the hospital with bacterial meningitis. When I got to work, I read the email that follows:

Please pray. We just heard that this morning a dear friend of ours, mother of five, Carol Poston, was hurried to the hospital for complications of Influenza Virus. It turned into Bacterial Meningitis (brain infection), and in the course of Sunday (yesterday) she went from bad to worse. At one point "Carol stopped breathing and deteriorated severely mentally." She is now at Loma Linda San Bernardino Intensive Care.

Craig and Carol were on e3 staff for many years and now pastor the Rainbow Community Church in Fallbrook, CA. Just last week they celebrated their first adoption day with their Filipino daughters. Please pray now and forward so others can pray for this precious family. Thank you!!!!!

Carol, a native of England, is a precious woman and always a joy to be around. She's wife to her husband Craig, mother to 5 beautiful adopted daughters, and she runs a weekly ministry to the women's conservation camp- a low level prison- up in Rainbow, CA. She has been a joy to know over the past 7 years.

I'll admit, when I first read this email and heard about this, not only was I heart broken, but I was mad. Lord, this doesn't make any sense! What in the world are you doing? Why Carol? Why now? What is going on?? Of course, the God of the universe doesn't have to give me an answer. He simply asked a question. "Do you trust Me?"

I resigned my heart to knowing what that meant- that no matter how little I understood, how few answers I had or would get, and no matter the outcome, yes, I trusted and will trust Him. Because regardless of circumstances, regardless of my understanding of what in the world He's doing- because there is no guarantee at this point that Carol will make it out of this, and if she does, there's no guarantee that she won't have some kind of brain damage- I know this about Him- He is good. And so today that is what I am thankful for. I'm thankful for my God who is good. I'm thankful that He knows all things. I'm thankful that He understands all things. I'm thankful that He is trustworthy. And again above all else, I'm thankful that He is good. In the midst of circumstances that make no sense, in the midst of pain and heartache, and grieving for this family, I have a God who works ALL things together for the good of those who are called according to His purposes.

This whole ordeal makes me think of people like my brother in law and my sister in law who don't know the Lord and one of their issues is with circumstances that bring pain, circumstances that are hard and seem so random- how could a good God allow this to happen? Pain happens all the time. What they're missing is the fact that God is indeed good, and it's in His goodness that I have to trust. That's what gives me comfort, is that He is good. Without that, pain is just random and painful for no reason. But with Him, with a God who is good and works things for the good, with a God who sees the big picture and who has greater understanding of all the moving parts, better than I ever could, there is purpose in the pain; there is purpose in the hard and difficult circumstances. The death of a loved one has purpose and is not just a random act that causes pain anymore- it's an event that is used for good. Yes it's a hard thing to live through and there is much pain in it, but God never said we'd have life without pain. But He uses that pain for a purpose- even when we don't understand fully what that purpose is. I may never know the purpose of what Carol is going through. I may never get it, this side of heaven, but I have hope in God. I am so thankful for a good God whom I can trust, whom I can rely, whom I can lean on fully and not worry about falling into the void of no purpose in painful circumstances. He is good. He is so very good. I do trust Him.

Truly a Gift from the Lord

I had been serving as the 2nd and 3rd grade Sunday School teacher at my church for a couple of years and truly did enjoy the kids that I had been working with. However I felt that the Lord was bringing that season to a close. I knew that time was ending and even though I wasn't sure what He had for me next, I wanted to be obedient and allow for someone else to take my place to better serve the next group of kids that were moving into that class.

I was already serving by running the sound board a few times a month for the worship team, but my heart's desire was to actually be on the worship team. It was this that I loosely held before the Lord as there really wasn't a place for me there, being that I sing harmonies, and that the worship team already has a wonderful "backup" singer. But yet, I felt that somehow the Lord would open that door in His timing. Worship has always been one of my passions and the Lord has taken me all over the place with it. In high school I learned how to play the guitar and so was thrown into leading songs at the youth group I was a part of. In college I led worship and co lead worship, playing guitar, and drums. When I went to Seminary and was part of CrossOver Ministries I led worship, and while I was living in Atlanta, I led worship for the Women's Ministry events, and had the opportunity to play guitar on the church worship team with some of the most talented worship leaders I've ever met. Men like Tony Sutherland, Adam Herod, and Shan Wallace, and then Joy Langana Chamblee who used to sing with Women of Faith. Amazing people a

nd it was so humbling to be a part of that group. I remember there were times when Adam would lead worship and he had a lot of funk in his style and I would have to turn of my guitar and fake my way through it because he would play chords I'd never heard of.

Anyway, so worship has always been a part of my life. And I learned a lot, especially from my days in Atlanta, sitting under the likes of Tony and Adam. But there was a time in college, when I wanted to learn to sing harmonies. In fact there were these two girls that I tried to sing a song by First Call with and I was supposed to sing one of the harmonies for it.

And I practiced and practiced and practiced and practiced. And when I sang with the cd, I could sing it just fine and hear it just fine, but when I went to sing it with the two girls, I would always slip into singing one of their parts. I couldn't hold my part. I couldn't hold the harmony. It was a very frustrating experience for me.

So I began to pray. I have told people that I prayed for a year, so it must have been at least a year. But it could've been more. I'm not exactly sure anymore how long it was, but I prayed for along time. I prayed for the ability to hear and sing harmonies. I asked the Lord for that gift. I asked Him to grant that to me, and I prayed all the time and asked Him for the ability to bring Him glory in that way through worship. And then one day, it just happened. I don't even remember the day to be perfectly honest. I don't remember when or where it happened. I don't remember how. I just remember I could hear them and I could sing them. And it truly is a gift. It's very humbling to know that it's a gift and it's one where I have to constantly rely on Him. There are times, and I know it doesn't always make sense, where I don't always hear the note I'm supposed to sing, but I just know that if I open my mouth, He'll sing that right note through me. It's an amazing experience to have with the Lord. And it's one that keeps my humble. I used to sing lead but that wasn't my desire, nor do I truly believe it was the Lord's. I know my struggle with pride and so does the Lord. Most of the time, people don't come up to the "backup" singer to compliment them on their voice or on the worship service, and that's a good thing for me. It keeps me humble. And if they should, as one gentleman did at the Christmas Eve service, I had to be sure to give the glory to the Lord. He told me he enjoyed my harmonies and I had to be very quick to tell him, they were a gift from the Lord and I have to rely on him to sing them, thank you.

The Lord is good, and He is the giver of all good gifts. This past week, 5 months after I stepped away from my Sunday school teaching position, I found out that I will be put into a rotation on the worship team. They want to start giving the worship team more breaks so the same people aren't getting burnt out by being up there every weekend for every service. Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. He truly is the desire of my heart, and I am so honored and humbled that He would allow me the opportunity to help lead others into worshipping Him and using the gift He's given me to bring Him glory.

Who Needs Sleep??

Normally if I'm writing about how I'm thankful or blessed and it has to do with sleeping, I'd be saying that I'm thankful I actually slept through the night, or I'm thankful that I woke up feeling rested finally. Because that hasn't happened in at least a year if not longer. Sleep has become truly a precious thing to me but such a source of frustration at the same time. It doesn't seem to matter how much or how little I get, I don't wake up rested- I usually wake up feeling like I've slept maybe an hour or two. It makes for long, tiring days- days where at some point sleep almost overtakes me (yesterday it was while I was driving- that's not good). It's a frustration because I feel like I can't think as clearly, I haven't been able to get up early to walk my dog as often, or get up to exercise like I used to, and when I get home from work, I'm usually beat.

But the point of this blog is not to complain, so I apologize for digressing. The point is to tell you about how the Lord blessed me, and yesterday morning, I was blessed by the Lord waking me early. He does that every so often- and lately it's honestly been less than it used to be- maybe because He knows I need the sleep. But yesterday morning He woke me (I don't use an alarm clock- He wakes me every morning) at 5:40am and gave me the grace to get up and walk my dog. And I'm so glad I listened to Him, because it would've been easy to go back to sleep, but I'm thankful I didn't. Because I would've missed this blessing. Not only would I have missed the blessing of getting outside- which truly is a necessity for me, but I would've missed this:

Let them Eat Cake!

Ok, so it may seem a silly thing to be thankful for, but 2 years ago (was it only 2 years??), my sister and sister in law got me what turned out to be the greatest gift for my birthday... or was it Christmas?? Either way, it was a gift certificate to a class of my choosing at Amy Malone's School of Cake Decorating. Little did I know what I was in for. I could choose any class on her list worth a certain amount, and so I chose the basic beginners cake decorating class which seemed to be the best class for the value.

I honestly had never been interested in cake decorating- for me it always seemed a little too... well... girly. And those of you who know my story, know that I was never girly growing up. Quite the opposite. I liked to eat cake, but the thought of decorating and the detail involved seemed too delicate for me. I'm truly thankful to the Lord that He has done such a work in me that I was ok with that girly side coming out in so much so that I truly fell in love with cake decorating and the artistry behind it. I really have very little artistic ability but I love novelty cakes and making them for my family and friends. Here's the donut cake I just finished tonight.

Not much in the way of decorating, but there is a donut glaze on the outside and it is filled with a homemade bavarian cream (yum!).

Who knew I had such a love not only for cake decorating, but for baking in general. If I could go to pastry school, I would. And really, I may. If the Lord provides and way, it's what I'd love to do. We'll see.

But more than just learning how to decorate cakes, for which I'm truly blessed and thankful for, I met and made a wonderful group of friends that went through three sets of classes together with Amy and we've been together since. Amy's Cake Club (as we affectionately call ourselves) have continued to gather together for potlucks and Amy's house every couple of months and these aren't just people who I'm linked to because of Amy anymore, these are my friends, my sisters- women who are dear to me. Each of them has a special place in my heart. Amy, who taught me everything I know (she tries to push blame off on another teacher but really I learned it all from her) and who has one of the best sense's of humor ever. Delys who is so quiet, and humble and such a servant- sweet spirited and willing to help at anytime. Nina- so boisterous and funny, always ready with a story and a hug, wanting to make anyone laugh, and ready to fight for anyone who is oppressed. Cathy with her sweet, innocence and her pure joy no matter what is going on, she always has a smile and a good word to say. She literally lights up the room when she walks in... or is that the cloud of flower and sugar all over her? Julieta, the Mexican momma who makes great food and adores her daughter and would do anything for her, and who is there for her friends. Nicole, the dear sweet girl who is coming into her own and learning how to stand up for herself, and not worry about what others think about her cause she's beautiful as she is. And then Candi, who just wants to be loved and has so much love to give others- constantly giving out and serving and looking out for everyone but herself.

Such precious women who bring joy and laughter into my life. I'm thankful for each and every one of them. They have blessed me beyond belief and I love them tremedously. I pray that each of them know the depths and heighths and width of the Lord's love for them one day and that they would truly know all He has done on their behalf.